From now on I will write my blog in English because I want my boyfriend to understand what is going on in my head in the attempt that he will get to know me better and in the desperate hope that he might comprehend all the ambiguities within me which he is overwhelmed with and also me and to take some of his fears that I might break up with him and to take some of my fears that he might break up with me because I am difficult and moody.
I had this dream where I woke up much too late for work, it was already 13.30 o'clock in the afternoon. I felt embarrassed and guilty that I had slept so long. So, I rushed to work with a shared taxi. Before I had to get off the taxi flew from this mountain onto the ground in front of this huge building. I paid two Euro for the ride and where I put the 2-Euro coin there was already a 1-Mark coin from East Germany lying on the table. I thought that 2 Euro were not enough enough for this ride, so I wanted to add another Euro which turned out to be one Shekel. Inside the big building there was an even bigger library where it was hard for me to find the department which I was looking for. I knew I had to go upstairs but all escalators only went downstairs. I was overwhelmed by this huge amount of books and didn't know how I could possibly find what I was looking for. I thought I would have to come back on Saturday to finish the work I had to finish. In this moment the telephone rang and I was glad that this was only a dream.
But it was more than just a dream full of symbolism so obvious the dullest person in the world could read it, it is kind of the reality I am facing right now.
Here I stand at this crossroad in my life where my life in Israel might turn from an open-end holiday to a place which might have to become my home. A place which is not really welcoming me because I am not Jewish, because I am a foreigner and because I am from Germany. A place which I haven't fully understand yet, which politics I dislike and to which habits it is very hard to cope with; a kind of developing country because it does not really know where it is heading, a country which is hard to adapt to when one is accustomed to living freely in almost all aspects of life. A place which very often reminds me of my childhood in communistic Germany which I was more than happy to escape from. A country in which history, family and religion play the most important parts of the life of the people. A place where people feel very connected to each other because of the history of living in the Diaspora, where not only family bonds were very important in order to keep the own identity but also the bonds of the whole community. A place where identity and religion are somehow irrevocably connected also for secular people. I came to Israel because I felt somehow connected to Judaism and never felt that I was not allowed to feel like that. But somehow I was taught here that I am German and not Jewish and that me feeling somehow Jewish is not a feeling I am allowed to feel. Of course it must somehow have to do with a bad conscious. So I found other reasons to say why I came to Israel.
Not only do people not understand why someone not Jewish and from Germany would somehow feel Jewish if it is not coming from a bad conscious but only originating from a feeling of spirituality and making sense but although I felt like having arrived home when I arrived in Israel eight years ago I will never really be able to feel and understand the Jewish feeling of a deep connection, also because I will always be kept a little bit outside, so as if one can yes enter the house a bit but the last secret room will not be shown to you if you are not an inborn part of the family. So, I will feel homeless in a country which will never really accept me, in a country where I will never be allowed to have an opinion because I am a foreigner, because I am not Jewish and because I am from Germany. To be fair I must admit that my generation never learnt to feel connected because my generation of Germans was being raised with the self-image of not being allowed to feel connected too much of our roots, of our culture and of our identity as Germans forget about being proud of achievements or forget about appreciating the pain our parents had to endure when they were children and the unresolved traumas they had to live with and unconsciously passed on to us simply to extend the pain because they did not know better.
Israel, a beautiful and very special country but also the place where I will always feel a tiny little bit guilty and where from time to time I will be made feeling a little bit guilty, sometimes unconsciously and sometimes obviously. Guilt with which I cannot really connect because I cannot feel it. Maybe if my grandparents would have been Nazis or something, maybe I could then connect to the feeling of being guilty but our family issues are only psychological ones stemming from who knows what and not political. Politics was never for the poor, so my family being of poor and simple roots only tried to survive; two abandoned young mothers whose spouses have died in the war who simply tried to stay alive with their children without having any other choice.
Here I stand now, tiny little Nicole, with these two tickets to Berlin with my Israeli boyfriend who was afraid to tell his father that I am not only not Jewish but also from Germany facing his personal and my cultural history and I am afraid of failing these difficult talks which will have to be talked.
And if one obstacle wasn't enough of course there is also all my personal shit which weighs much stronger, a Commitmentphobe who has done the next step without thinking and only now overseeing the consequences.
Result of the Commitmentphobetest
Might Be a Commitmentphobe
You’re the kind of person who is usually open to love and strives to keep a healthy balance between giving yourself over to a relationship and maintaining a life of your own. You’re also levelheaded and know the importance of following the five stages of dating, especially uncertainty, which must be faced head-on when it arises.
But even the strongest person has weak moments. Chances are, you’ve wavered between being afraid of commitment and not being afraid of commitment. For you it can truly depend on the other person. Perhaps your past experiences tainted the idea of commitment for you and made you a little gun shy … but your gut still tells you most of the time to go with your heart because you have had those few gems of relationships that gave you great happiness. The tough part for you is that you know when you’re letting your head get the better of you and don’t like it when you start getting freaked out by the idea of committing to one person.
The chances of you being a commitmentphobe might be encouraged to surface when you find yourself in a relationship where the other person is pushing you to commit. You’re more likely to react positively to someone who gives you the space to ease into the relationship than someone who is demanding explanations about how you feel and why you feel that way.
Being forced to make a decision about commitment will make you less willing to commit at all. If you do find yourself in a situation like this, you don’t have to write off that partner immediately – his or her heart is in the right place. But it’s important to reassure your partner that yes, you may have a few doubts, but if given enough time to think and process and settle into the relationship, you do have the ability to commit and are willing to try. Your partner has a right to know where you stand as well – and if you’re already certain that you’re not going to be in it for the long haul and he or she is asking, at least be honest. If you simply want a casual relationship, don’t cover up your intentions by claiming that you’re afraid of commitment. Not guts, no glory – you would want someone to be honest with you, right?
Introducing my new boyfriend to my son and to my parents and the rest of the family means more than just introducing him. It means having to think about what I had said before - to decide if I want to stay for the rest of my life in Israel, making it somehow my home. Since I know him I started to feel homesick to Berlin, a feeling I hadn't felt before.
Even more I fear to meet his children. This seems to me the biggest mountains I would have to climb. I am not into children. It is hard for me to connect with them. I hardly connected with my own. How can I possibly connect with three? Not only that they are a lot - no, they are also religious. Children which will not only hate me because I will take their hope that their Dad and Mom might get back together, but also because I am not Jewish and from Germany. And I don't understand why he doesn't understand and why he thinks this is easy when even a Jewish girl didn't want to be with him because of that.
Until yesterday everything was seemingly good between us, the relationship was flowing, it was fun and somehow easy, a game, a summer love. Suddenly I stand at this crossroad in my life before two seemingly insurmountable obstacles where I have to make a decision if I want to go for my dream of a mutually loving and equal relationship in terms of personality or if I want to run away from a relationship which will always be very difficult, too.
Well, maybe it is not fair not having to want to talk about all this at the very beginning. Life is not fair and maybe it is not fair that only now I start to feel the consequences. Never had to deliberate about all the consequences before and never thought I would have to deliberate about having a relationship at all. So, because I didn't feel all these fears three weeks ago I am not allowed to feel that now? This is not fair either.
So, I stand here now with these two tickets to Berlin and even though I am pretty excited it also scares the shit out of me.
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